i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”