[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
oh my god
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art