My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The dark side of Canada
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
That’s not how days work.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Comparing yourself to others