virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os