I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Good dog. ❤️
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]