My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Yup!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.