The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Are you ok, human???
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Boating season is upon us.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no