My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
You Might Also Like
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Happy birthday to all the women
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week