When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’m good, thanks.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My inexpensive home security system…
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.