Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.