You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable