I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
He a real one for that
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”