Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.