[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
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k e
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h
i s
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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?