hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down