This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
You Might Also Like
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I bet birds love this building.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*