It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
i dont have time for this
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
gm
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”