I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I needed a laugh this morning.
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.