If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.