having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
that de-escalated quickly
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.