Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.