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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.