[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You Might Also Like
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.