I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.