I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.