My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
anyone else like Italian cereal
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.