I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.