I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
mood
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.