4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I am never leaving this website
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)