[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
🙂🙃🥹
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.