ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19