I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I think I’ll stand
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Shower sex be like:
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.