Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone