1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
i now pronounce you bounced.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*