It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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Bring back the McRib
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.