*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
The first matador
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.