Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
💯😂