why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.