When I snag the last meatball.
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Pass gas, not judgment.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED