You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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You better watch out
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Tony Hawk, age 6
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*