I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My dog ate my work from home.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes