“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here