A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
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Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Trumpy Cat
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.