Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”