*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I hope it’s French Onion!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Wedding planning is organized crime.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming