Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
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hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My patience has stretch marks.
Do not steal food from the science building!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.