It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
You Might Also Like
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
WTF
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!