Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
You Might Also Like
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search