What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
#CoronaOutbreak
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
rapatouille
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.