shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I feel seen.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”